After almost 2 weeks of being sick it was back to work for 2 days. 6 days of work this month. Love my job. All paid for. Anyhow, Thursday was nice and busy and I was out & about. A real go getter. It was also gloomy and cold. 20 degree cold. I was in my element. The day went by quickly and I laughed more than I have in a long time. I actually strained my voice talking and laughing so much. I had missed my coworkers. Had a fun day.

Friday was slow. So we passed the time talking about the usual inappropriate things. Title IX violation for certain. Luckily, we are all deviants. “Dock workers” is what Janine says we are. For whatever reason the Llama was bought up. Janine never that the pleasure/misfortune of meeting him. I say pleasure because all the stupid s*** that dumb motherf***er did has made for some hilarious conversation.

The dude had talent. I’d never before seen an adult pick his nose with one hand all the while eating a burrito with the other. At the same time. Amazing feat. I’ve wondered to myself if I could even pull it off. What kind of person eats and pulls buggers out of their nose all at once?

What about needing to flush the toilet 7-8 time while taking a s***? It’s amazing our plumbing could withstand such and assault. I’m so glad my desk was down the hallway from the restrooms. Poor Leroy. He was often engulf in a cloud of poop. He regularly complained about it when the Llama was out of the office. Not to mention the guy was gassy as hell. Eating 6 boiled eggs every morning is bound to do that to you.

The water boy. If you don’t know, the fool tipped a full pallet of water. In the street. It was a mess. Well after he had the students that volunteered help load the full and busted bottles into the back of the truck. He parked said truck about a hundred yards away from the place the water needed to go. So he loaded water into a laundry cart. I said nothing and walked away. It must have weighed hundreds of pounds. Back in the office this “Jabba the Hut F***” came panting and drenched in sweat, into the office. He pushed this thing all the way. Why he didn’t think to park over here and unload I will never know. “Work smarter, not harder.” He didn’t live by his catch phrase.

Mostly buggers, bad gas, loud sunflower spits & 20 min s***s that require many, many flushes. He talked a lot. Credit card fraud. It’s possible he s*** his pants one day. Insufferable. Great coworker. I hope everyone has someone like this at least once in their lives.

I guess I could go on but that’s enough for now. Happy Friday!!!

Good luck to Mud & Bud. Loved y’all.

Jalapeño

Chicken Chili.

Leftovers with some Mac & Cheese.

Loco moco.

Leftover rice, ground beef & golden mushroom soup.

Burger topped with creamy Alfredo sauce & spinach. This was a real treat of the week.

This was going to be a cheesy chicken enchilada soup but it cooked down while I was on the phone so I improvised. It was great.

Carry out. Birria Ramen Soup. Yum!!

He is the worst.

I’ll try to describe the way that it felt to Tell my own mother her son is a failure
His heart is too cold to love anyone but himself

It’s like stabbing an icicle straight through your chest
Your whole body shivers as it coarses your blood
And your quivering throat keeps
Choking on those words
Mama i tried a thousand times
I’m frozen to the core
Your son is a glorious mess
Who wrecks anything he adores
But deep in his center he swears
There’s a candle just waiting to burn. and melt

So who’s gonna burn him
Yeah who’s gonna break him
Into a thousand pieces
Melting over flames of perfection
I once felt its warmth
But it left me shivering in the dark

Mama i tired a thousand times
The pieces wouldn’t fit
Son, love is a punch in the eye
It’s a sudden and swift surprise. It’s not a candle waiting to burn
So baby, just wait your turn
And when it hits you
You’ll see through rose colored apathy;
Through the blues that bruise can leave
Was it really worth the wait?

I’ve been sick. By the way, that’s not me.

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Jalapeño

Carne en su jugo

Hamburger helper.

Orange chicken & broccoli.

Back to my English degree days. I had a great professor who me recently retired. I took multiple classes with the man. He always said good therapy was letting the words floating in your mind free on paper. Abstract as they might be. Poetry has that quality. So this blog is just my very random thoughts. Poetry of sorts.

Yesterday came and went and I wasn’t present
The weeks were laid out like pavement
Work and drink and sleep, repeat
About the beaten path….

Sit beside a house. Cry about a lousy life until your cry is dry. Cry until your eyes stop glistening. Even though a healthy mind waits behind a smile. Look up at the sky and cry to a man made man.

The eyes of the accuser. So blame it on me, I really don’t care. You have a new friend. Insecurities and other pain’s in relationships build. Clarity is depleted. It’s sad to see. It’s even harder to be a part of. But people become infested. They fester. Their minds want to see what they want to see. Full circle. You cannot command your love. I was taken by love. Every love needs a last kiss. Love is fleeting. .

Looking over at that old man. He’s going away.
Permanently, and we’ll all go eventually like a sunken stone, but I think we’ll float away.
Smile over at that old man and he smiles.

A phantom of a figure from your past shadows you presently. Presumably lost. Lost loves. Dreams. Perceptions change. Eyes are opened. Nobody will see you. You see them. You see what you used to know.

How do you care about anything when everything left you behind. My life and our relationship became a tumbling thumbing tumble weed.

The dusk brings about shadow. Shadow and warmth. A blanket to fold over myself. While the souls of the wind whispers, tickle my ears. As my children run freely in the twilight gloom. Content and happy in the world they know. While I watch them run a peace settles upon me. That squirrel feels otherwise.

I hear a chicken is more useful than a spouse. They always provide.

Age is a state of mind. You can grow old and still be young.

Dating at this age is like getting the crumbs at the bottom of the chip bag. Haha

Jalapeño

Brunch!!

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Pulled pork lettuce wraps. Recipe curtesy of Jamie. This one has been vacuum sealed in the freezer for a while.

Seared tuna.

Menudo!!! A real treat. I can’t make this but it Yvette’s dad can. Love being fed.

Orange chicken mix veggies.

Chicken tikka masala.

Beef fideo.

It’s good!

Christmas was movies (all the classics), food & drink. Food meaning frozen pizza. If that counts. 13 paid days off. Lots of time for some fun. The nephews came after Christmas. They are hilarious. Keith and I went for drinks the 30th. My estranged wife’s bar. Everyone is sick. Our bartender was positive. Truthfully if we get it we both agree it wouldn’t be a bad thing. Just build up some more immunity. Bummer for the business. New Years weekend is a big one for a bar. I feel for them.

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This quote helped me. Stop! It’s done forever.

“The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results” – Albert Einstein

Wild week. Hope my mother-in-law is okay. I wrote an opus but I’ll post it at a later time. I hope the punctuation is great. It was typed from a phone. Haha. Since some people still read this and care about that. Not English majors. I’m not writing a dissertation. It’s a blog. I keep hearing awful things I didn’t know about my “wife”. F*** it! Life is peachy. I hope everyone else had a happy holiday. The system only dreams in total darkness. I cannot explain it. My faith is sick and my skin is thin as ever. Betrayal.

Not much food to post. Takeout has been my thing.

Jalapeño.

Steak potato and asparagus.

Sloppy Joe’s

Seared tuna on New Years Eve. With sea weed.

We had a chilly weekend, but that seems to be all we are going to get. High in the 80’s all week for Christmas. Bummer. West Texas and La Niña. I hate La Niña. What a great weekend I had.

So I worked only 2 1/2 days this week. I pretty much didn’t do a d*** thing. I spent more time making my rounds on campus telling everyone to have a a merry Christmas. I had no idea how well they would appreciate such a little gesture. I had a few presents to distribute to friends. Gag gifts are my forte. I’m looking forward to seeing the Mariah Carey shrine some day. It’s going to be impressive. I departed at noon and had some sushi.

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Thursday was a good day. My first full day off. Because I’m dog sitting of course sleeping in wasn’t an option. These beast rule. I made coffee. Tried to mellow out. Went to the office to grab boxes to wrap. Someone beat me to them. All left wet too small. Next, Yvette came buy to exchange gifts. I had a funny one for her daughter. We than went to the museum to meet and greet Teddy, the curator’s dog. Corgi’s. Bekah and I almost had one. Fun dogs. The entire crew showed. The Dean, Jamie & Derek, Yvette and her kids, Eddie. Also was able to meet the curator’s twin sister. It was a fun affair. Sadly I had to go to HEB.

Once shopping was knocked out I met a friend at Twin Peaks for lunch and drinks. We didn’t know that all the staff would be in red lingerie with Santa hats. She was a bit distracted by all the bare a**. So was I. Haha. The food kind of sucked. I’m sure that’s not their main draw anyways.

The rest of the day I just kind of hung out. Went to my favorable watering hole for a little while. Arts Beard is magnificent. Had a couple drinks with a work friend. All was grand.

Christmas Eve. I have nothing to do. Eat tamales. Get the 4 dogs a Christmas present. Late lunch at chilies. WTF do you do one Christmas Eve when you are alone and it’s 80 degrees outside. It’s just another day, right?

Jalapeño

Menudo.

No crust chicken pot pie.

Teriyaki burger.

Mushroom Swiss burger w/ egg salad curtesy of Janine.

Sesame chicken.

Christmas Eve tamales & beans.

Nothing to write about.

Jalapeño

Skillet king ranch chicken.

Sesame chicken w/ broccoli.

Enchilada chicken with over easy eggs. This was possible the first time that over made this. It was always one of Bekah’s go-to meals. Simple and delightful. I bet it’s been 6 months since I’ve had this. Kind of sad.

Chicken & broccoli w/ Alfredo sauce. Spicy sauce.

Bekah Burger w/o Bekah.

Sunday was kind of rough. It was the day my father died 4 years ago and the day Bekah & I started dating 13 years ago. Both are gone. 13 years of dedication and for what? Oh well, it was a good run and I had fun. Cherished memories tainted by the present.

My mother and I went for lunch and drinks. Afterwards she came over to the house for a little while. The dogs were happy to see her. We talked about life.

Monday I took off. I have thought about taking ever Monday for the rest of the year. I have the time. The holiday break is right around the corner.

It’s finals week. Hard to believe the semester is at a close. What has the time gone? I feel like we just started the fall. Hell, the last 6 months are a blur for me.

Ghost town. That’s what the campus becomes after finals. Friday that’s what it was. I did very little. Jamie got me out of the office to resupply the museum with hand sanitizer. My the Dean, the curator & a nice guy named Eddie were also around. I made a joke a Jamie’s expense that got a good laugh from everyone but her. She gave me “the look” that is basically her throwing knives at me. Good time.

I got my papers, finally. They still are not 100% accurate. Frustration. Frustration because Bekah didn’t give me the waiver months ago like she was supposed to, apparently. Not entirely shocking at this point. Ah, life. I should have listened to my friends a filed myself months ago.

The night ended with me watching my girlfriend, Charlize Theron, in “The Legend of Bagger Vance”. What a movie. What a woman. Happy Friday.

Tire trouble 8 months later. Reference my “Our Hands Silhouette’s Against the Sky” blog. The rock pictured below. Seem like a life time. Life was much less complicated.

Jalapeño

Egg bacon jalapeño breakfast burrito.

Charcuterie board.

Hoisin steak w/ sriracha asparagus.

Monday lunch. Seared tuna.

Chicken chili.

Tuesday lunch. Chili’s chicken fajitas.

Veggie ground beef garlic stir fry.

Italian chicken, heart of palm, tomato & basil. Had this last week.

Taco salad.

Bunless burger.

[FUCK MY GRAMMAR]

Took down the fall and put up the Christmas. Must say it was kind of a hard day. I prefer my fall decal and most the Christmas was shared between my soon to be ex wife. Wasn’t fun. Oh well. The papers are in the work. One technicality away. Easy fix. This week I proposed 9 years ago. Happy moment and anxiety ridden. I knew she was who I wanted to be my wife and who I died with. I loved this woman. I never knew I would be married. It was a hard thing to do. I was afraid of commitment at the time. But I knew I had found the one. She made me happy in ways I’d never been before. I felt lucky to find her. I remember falling in love. It was over conversation while she was the only one bartending and we became best friends. I came to her to talk and we found a bond. At the time I had been with her friend but we clicked and that bond was welded. We had our ups and downs trying to work with how serious we were. She got a house, I didn’t move in. We eventually found a house. We lived in for 6 great years. Found a cat, Samson. Adopted a child, Hazel. Found another, Owen. Travels together. Air and road. Figured each other out. One should always live together before marriage. We had a grand time. The best times of my life. I’d touch her skin and obtain goosebumps. She is still my one. I love her. She changed me. Made me a better person.

We fell apart. We broke. Shattered glass. Pain. Life is pain. But if you love each other, compromise with each other. No ultimatum. That’s not fair to anyone. I sit and feel like trust wasn’t distributed. I assume we all have our ups and downs. I never lost a feeling or attraction to her. Loved most (who loves all) moments with her. We had great times together. Always a fun time. She was my moon. My stars.

Catharsis. I’ve weeped. No denial. This person is a part of me after 13 years. I’m not sure how to go forward at 40. What to even do. I don’t want to do anything. I was happy as any married couple ever is. Not all the time. But who is? Life is a bitch, they say. I tend to agree. 2020 was the warm up for 2021. This year has drained 4-5 years from me. My health has gone to shit in 5 months. I now need to pull myself together. We all have the strength. Find it.

I miss Bekah. She was my one and only. A soul I always wanted to meet. Did I let her fly or did she fly off on her own? Bookend of a chapter in my life I never wanted closed.

We had our campus Christmas tree lighting. Big deal. I believe at least 2 thousand people attended. It was a little different this year. As I was walking up I got caught by the curator. Lights were not on the front of the museum. I couldn’t just walk away. So I missed the actual tree lighting looking in a mechanical closet how to get the lights going. It made for an entertaining time. I did go inside the museum and talk to my neighbor for a bit. It was a damn zoo. I never made it to the damn tree. Oh well. A little surprise is kind of fun. Plus I had 2 beers before I walked to campus so I was loose for adventure. Went home and watch The Live.

So my friends Jamie & Yvette made me a fucking appointment with a diabetic dietician. They mentioned it and I figured I’d get a call for a time to see. I laughed it off. No. They scheduled me a time. I was pissed. Okay. For one. I don’t think after 11 years I can be told something I don’t know. I read 3 books when I was diagnosed. Have learned my body for the most part. I have my off days. Two, I felt I was going to waste someone’s time. I have been off the wagon. Eating like hell over the last few months. I’ve not treated myself well. I know how to live this life. I just wasn’t. I don’t need to talk to anyone.

So I went to the appointment. I was told to sit because the lady wasn’t around. I sat. I waited. I waited. Eventually got up to ask. Lady asked me if I had made n appointment. Well, I hadn’t. Friends had. She contacted someone else. They eventually came out and said the appointment was actually for the morning. Someone fucked up. Either my friends of the hospital. Who cares. It was rather comical. I wondered at one point if they just made it up to send me there to make my own appointment. Ah, friends.

Friday was a no burrito day. I think we are done. Good for me. I don’t need anymore. The day was long. Nothing happened. I took off early. Went to my mothers. On the way back I talked to Yvette and ended up meeting her at a family party at a tattoo parlor. Local brewery supplies BBQ & booze. It was a spontaneous venture. Food was great and so was the beer. Best Friday that I’ve had in a while. I referred to myself as “her annoying friend from work”. Bless your friends.

Cheers!!

Jalapeño

French toast sandwich on French toast day. That hurt me.

Seared tuna.

Queso burger.

Some kind of meal on the grill. Asian. Hot. Problems.

Okay. I just threw this together. Grilled chicken, hearts of palm, tomato, basil & Italian dressing. It’s so good.

What a week. Big cook out at work. Helped at the museum. A five day weekend. Got drunk as f*** with my brother. Thanksgiving was fun. That’s it.

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Jalapeño

Crab cakes & asparagus.

Grilled sweet & sour chicken.

Huevos rancheros.

Thanksgiving.

Whataburger.

We had a nice full moon eclipse Friday morning. I set my alarm to see it. Since I’m waking up about that time anyway I probably didn’t need the alarm. I didn’t get the telescope out but I did use my rifle scope. It was beautiful. I want that picture on my wall.

International Men’s Day and I never even received a thank you from Jamie or Yvette for all the good I contribute to their lives. So rude. All the cart rides. All the bending over backwards to simplify life. All the kindness. Not even recognized. An utter lack of appreciation. Some people.

Speaking of cart rides, I sure played taxi driver this week. I’m sure some coworkers wonder why I have multiple women with me at different times of the day. It’s mainly a means of upping the productivity of the university. I mean, otherwise they would be walking and away from the desk for a longer time. Plus, I have a cart. Why not offer up a ride. It means we get to BS outside the office.

On a more personal note & perhaps morose, I’ve always thought honesty was key. I’ve always been brutally honest. I guess people don’t like the truth. They don’t like who they are. So when a question is asked I respond in fold. You will always be hesitant to make choices when you are alone. You are used to making for two. I’m not happy with myself & decisions I’ve made. Life is solo. We die alone.

Marriage is not easy all the time. Is it ever easy? People don’t generally get along with themselves so how do we expect to get along with another person all the time. To be locked down with them? It takes work. I feel it pays off. Everything good takes work. Sometimes you get complacent at that. Years roll by and your vision is obscured. You don’t seem to see the things you once noticed. Maybe you take something’s for granted. You both do. You feel like you carry the weight. The weight needs to be distributed evenly. It can’t be on ones shoulders. If it’s ever felt that way, disclose. The other better half might not know you don’t know and vice versa. But how much happiness do you get from that person? How much have you had. It’s worth fighting for, right?I mean, you married for a reason. I say all this because it’s important to me. I’ve always dreaded doomed relationships. I hate to see people fall apart. It crushes me. So when I see it it breaks my heart. What a tangent.

Jalapeño

Rice, mushroom, broccoli, chicken Alfredo.

Salisbury steak.

Sesame chicken.

Crustless chicken pot pie.

Teriyaki steak w/ mushrooms & rice.