Myself Fell to Pieces… And You Can’t Fix Yourself.

I took a week off the damn blog. I was busy with Staff Senate committees, getting re-accepted to college, advising for the fall, and just general bullshit. Plus, I really just wasn’t feeling it after a week without Owen. There was nothing to write.

Saturday was a cold day in March. Really, the last weekend of March. The temperature was in the 40s. I got up, made some breakfast, and played with Alaya for a little while. Her mama surprised us by actually coming home on a weekend. I was totally expecting not to see her until Monday morning, which has become the norm.

Alaya went off to hunt for eggs with her other grandmother, so I got myself ready for the No Kings Rally. It was the third one I’ve attended, and I wouldn’t dare miss it. It’s good to see like-minded people. It gives me a little hope and encouragement. Not everyone has drunk the Trump Kool-Aid.

This third one was much more organized, and you could immediately tell that some money had come from somewhere to pull it off. They had a real PA system. A stage. Actual speakers. They had an entire food setup serving tacos. Lots of tables featured sponsors. It was a really professional setup with a very friendly vibe going on. I was extremely happy to see this, and it’s good to know that people who might not have otherwise attended have sadly been pushed so far by Trump that the numbers are rising for these get-togethers.

After the rally, I went to a special needs softball game for a little while. I will say, it was one of the most heartwarming events I’ve attended in a while. These kids were so cute, and they were having so much fun. My heart melted. Two back-to-back events that gave me faith in humanity on a Saturday.

That was followed by a rather sad get-together. Yvette and I went to see how her grandmother and grandfather were doing. You see, the Thursday evening before, Yvette unexpectedly lost an aunt. She was special needs and somehow choked to death at the center. It was her grandparents’ oldest living child.

I can’t imagine what it must be like to outlive your child. They are both in their nineties, and somehow, they’ve had to endure that. As strong as they are, they couldn’t hide their grief. Picking out her outfit for the funeral viewing wasn’t easy. Hell, they had just bought Aunt Susan a new mattress for her bed. That’s how out of nowhere death can be. You just never know.

Of course, Yvette is also feeling the loss. Aunt Susan was always sweet. That’s one thing about people with special needs that I’ve noticed over the years—they are generally in good spirits, without much worry in the world. Unlike the rest of us, who are always burdened by it.

Aunt Susan’s presence will be missed when I visit Yvette’s grandparents.

Sunday was Yvette’s birthday. I really needed to take care of the yard work, so I told Yvette to stay in bed. I had a surprise waiting for her. After mowing the yard for an hour, I took a break at 11. BIGA was opening, and they carry her favorite croissant: Nutella banana. It truly is heavenly. She was very surprised when I brought it to her—breakfast in bed. She assumed I was still outside doing yard work.

I was happy that she was able to relax. Just stay in bed and watch your shows. When it’s your birthday, you shouldn’t be expected to do a damn thing.

I went back out to the yard to do my favorite fucking thing: bag leaves. It wasn’t the ideal day for such a thing due to the damn wind blowing like a beast, but I had to do it. The leaves were getting out of hand. I had fucking leaves everywhere.

While I was out there working on my eighth bag, a truck pulled up. A tall, hippie-looking guy got out and began approaching me.

“Who the hell is this, and what the hell does he want?”

Well, it turned out he was interested in my bags of leaves. I said, sure. Take them all. Please. And come back—there will be more. Apparently, he had goats. What a damn deal for me, though.

Five hours later, I was done with yard work. I was tired. I was filthy. I showered. Yvette and I tag-teamed the grocery store for some supplies. I was going to cook shrimp tacos. It seemed like a good birthday meal. You see, there were only going to be three of us that night. Yvette didn’t want to go out for money reasons and because she was feeling a little under the weather.

After dropping her off, I ran to Sam’s for gas and the shrimp. I was angry filling up my vehicle. Damn gas prices are fucking outrageous. I was getting madder and madder as the dollar amount continued to increase. Our damn Dear Leader and his fucking war in Iran.

Our dryer has been out, so I had been doing laundry at my mom’s off and on all weekend. I made one final trip to switch out loads when I found out that Yvette’s family was over at the house with a cake, and everyone was wondering about dinner. We didn’t have enough. I went home, and we all had a little cake and visited. It was nice seeing them. Unfortunately, the mood was dampened by the absence of Lola and Alaya. When a mother’s child doesn’t even tell her “Happy Birthday,” feelings are indeed hurt.

The week began greatly for me. I had a lot of energy and, for whatever reason, felt like the week was going to kick off strong. I was super busy at work, and the time did fly.

I got onto my student portal to finalize the registration process and finish filling out the employee tuition exemption paperwork. I ran into a few roadblocks.

For one, I had a couple of registration holds. One was for my transcripts. This was bogus because they clearly have them on file—I was accepted to the university twenty years ago. I also graduated from the university. I had to make a few calls, but I was able to get that worked out.

The next roadblock came when my exemption letter was canceled. What the fuck? I called HR to inquire. Apparently, you cannot turn in that paperwork until you are registered for classes. Nowhere in any of the documents I’ve read does it say this. A little clearer communication would be nice. I’ll have to fill out that paperwork all over again. Oh well.

We had a Staff Senate meeting on Monday afternoon that was rather eye-opening. Not really. We didn’t discuss much at all. Just the usual bullshit.

Tuesday, I had committee meetings. Two, to be exact. Oh, the joy. At least my part will be done when this is over. Not trying to make it sound like I dislike this—it’s the second year I’ve volunteered. Actually, I was asked to help last year because someone backed out. It’s kind of exciting, and the extra work keeps me busy.

The meetings themselves were virtual, and I did indeed participate. I do not have a mic or a camera, but I utilized the chat option. I voiced my opinion on a couple of issues I noticed, but for the most part, I was happy with the final decisions that were made. I do think some serious revisions are needed in the selection process.

After the final meeting, I realized that I had a lot of free time that would now need to be occupied.

After work, we took Alaya to the ASU soccer fields for the second annual Easter Egg Hunt. This year, it seemed like there were a lot more kids. Yvette informed me that she had actually heard it advertised on the radio. They separate the kids by age—five and over on one side, and anyone younger on the other. Some parents seem not to care about this, though. It isn’t really fair, but who is going to do anything about it?

At the 6 o’clock mark, the kids were unleashed. Lola ran around with Alaya trying to gather up eggs. In about three minutes, the egg hunt was over. It wasn’t for lack of eggs—it was because there were so many damn people involved. It was a rather amazing sight, seeing the horde of children attacking the Easter eggs. Fairness aside, Alaya had herself a blast, and it was certainly worth attending.

Wednesday was busy busy. I was all over the damn town. Yvette was busy with her own BS, Cyber Security Expo. This year it seemed to be a real freaking mess. I help where I could when I could.

After work she had a viewing to attend for Aunt Susan. I don’t do those. Knowing that she was spent and her stress level was through the roof I decided to take over the dinner duties. That night I grilled.

Late that night a storm rolled through. To remain on the safe side, we sought shelter for the kids vehicles. No hail came out of it but we were able to sleep worry free.

Thursday was quasi-Friday. It was our last day of a short week. Most it went by without incident. Yvette had the Expo, with was messy as hell this year. New leadership. In spite of that, it went okay.

Good Friday. Funeral day. First thing on the agenda was going out to my mom’s to plant flowers for her. I made some coffee and picked up a breakfast burrito from Whataburger on the way. I needed some grub if I was going to be digging holes. Apparently, they now have a verde sauce that is really yummy.

I dug up the dead plants and replaced them with new ones. They look damn good, if I do say so myself. I also dug up some of my mom’s Mexican petunias to transplant to my yard. Yay.

It was a gloomy funeral day. Funerals… they are pain. People don’t know what to say to each other. The pain is everywhere. I love my wife, and I know she hurts, but she doesn’t show it—fear mechanisms, I suppose. I hate that her aunt passed.

After the graveside, my family packed up and left for Dallas. I was sad in this empty house. We had planned on hanging out with my cousin all weekend. Life.

My aunt, cousin, and her daughter made it to town. That evening, I went to visit and hang out at my mom’s. We were going to go out for food and drinks, but we ended up just ordering pizza as carryout.

Damn, it was good seeing her and finally meeting the girls. They cracked me up—the whole evening did. It was exactly what I needed after the day.

I came home to a very quiet house. I don’t really like it. I had to put on some music just to fill the space. I already miss my people.

I miss my Oh-e Bear every day. Every time I get ice from the machine, I think of him. For seven years, the moment he heard that sound, he came running, nails clicking on the floor, eyes bright, waiting for his little piece of ice like it was the best treat in the world. It was such a small thing, but it was ours—one of those quiet, everyday rituals you don’t realize will matter so much until it’s gone.

Now the ice drops, and the house stays still. No running, no eager face waiting for me. Just the sound echoing a little too loudly in an empty kitchen. How will I ever not expect him to be there?

And Hazel… my poor Hazel. She looks around like she’s searching for him, like she knows something is missing but can’t understand where he went. She lingers a little longer, waits a little more, like she’s hoping he’ll come back around the corner ready to play. The house feels different without him—quieter, heavier.

Happy fucking Friday!!

Jalapeño.

I had this meal in San Antonio. Burger patty with soy sauce over cilantro lime rice topped with a sweet spicy Thai chili sauce and served with broccolini.

Egg roll stir fry.

Yvette found this one online. Grilled cheese tortellini, sausage, mushrooms, broccoli and bell peppers cooked in Italian dressing and topped with parmesan cheese.