Anxiety is a Mutha….

Well it seems my anxiety has returned. Happy happy f***ing joy joy. Had it ever really left? No. But it’s amped up. The uncertainty at work and the fact I feel like I’m putting myself in harms way every morning I go into the office. It’s finally getting to me. It feels like every couple of days I hear from someone that “someone” that has been inside my office has been sent home for “COVID” test. So far 5 of them tested positive. People I’ve interacted with. And those are only the ones I know of. 11 guys I have been around in some fashion have been sent home. What are we f***ing doing. It makes getting up in the morning a real blast. Also, I’ve been losing sleep. 3AM is a horrible horrible hour. Unless you are willingly up at that hour, hopefully having the night of your life, what other reason would you be awake? All alone with your thoughts and anxieties. Always in the darkest regions of the mind. I take something every night because of my insomnia and I’m still waking up. Believe me, it’s tempting to pop a pill and just to fall back down but I worry at that hour the effects will linger through the morning. I’d be sleepy either way. A real bummer.

I’m no stranger to anxiety. Most of my twenties were plagued by it. Before I found my dear friend Xanax, I was a mess. On the outside I might not look it, but inside was total chaos. I remember specifically one day sitting at my desk in my Advance Poetry class having an attack. Out of the blue. I remember the time. 10:27. I had no reason for it, but that’s how mine hit. Something from my subconscious was about to surface. I don’t know. I sat there. My pulse rate increased. My heart felt as if it were to beat out of my chest. I got hot. My lips felt tingly. My fingers felt numb. I was a caged animal and everyone sitting around me were the bars entrapping me. I had to get out. I had to. This feeling wasn’t unfamiliar. I had practice on how to overcome. Like I said, on the outside I was fine. You could look at me and probably have no clue. I was that conditioned. A hurricane was happing in my head, though. I looked in my backpack for a useful tool, gum. I had found that chewing gum helps. It gives me something to focus on. (If I didn’t have gum I’d chew on my pen. Gross, yes. But it was as efficient and you do what you gotta do.) Once I had the gum I excused myself from the class to the restroom where I proceeded to splash water in my face. The jolt of cold water almost always helped subdue whatever it was that had brought on the attack. I followed this by focusing on my breathing. Once I was in control of myself I returned to class. Not that class mattered. I was past the point of paying attention.

It got so crippling that I suffered a letter grade because I couldn’t give a speech. The thought of getting in front of people terrified me. I would rather get a D. That’s when I went to my doctor and asked for help. I was already taking things for insomnia & ADHD, why not just bother him again. He started me off on samples to let me see if they worked. Oh my lord did they ever. It was like I’d had a cocktail to take the edge off. Why had I waited so long? Why did I put myself through so much? I was able to do public speaking. Still terrified, but able to endure. The thing is, Xanax is a mood altering drug and it’s really pretty addictive. I mean you take something that makes you feel better mentally, you want to keep taking it. I sure did. I wound up taking too much. After years, a tolerance developed. What had began as a prescription of 30 a month became 90 a month. I wasn’t doing anything reckless, but I did have a few memory gaps. Functioning black outs. Moments that were blank. I decided I needed to wean myself off. It wasn’t the easiest thing. I probably wasn’t that fun to be around for a little while. I’d been taking it for 7 years. When I finally accomplished my goal I realized my anxiety wasn’t where it had been when I started taking the meds. And when I did have an attack, something within me made me more capable of dealing with it. I don’t know. Experience. It’s still riding with me, but not as bad. I know it’s kept me from doing a lot of things that I’d like to have done. Social events. Gatherings. Just talking to people. You work with what’s given to you. You find a means to get around things. That’s the way it is. Ah, life.

I still have my Xanax. No longer prescribed just never used. I still chew gum often. If you see me, you probably have noticed I have a gum addiction. It became my most useful coping tool. Until this week, the only time I’d take a pill was before air travel. This week I broke down and took one. Work. I’m not making a habit of it, but I needed something. The morning without and the afternoon with were night & day. Just that one day I had to try something. That feeling in the classroom returned. The b**** had been away for a long time and I wasn’t mentally equipped for her. I needed help. When you have a tool you use it.

I didn’t really plan on such a rant. This is a weird time, to say the least. Its exhausting. I come home tired. I wake up tired. I’m sure MANY of us are anxious. Possibly depressed. Who knows what’s happening next. We live day to day. I just want you all to know that whatever you might be going through, wherever you are, you are not alone. Never alone. If you feel that you are know that myself and others are out there with you. We got this! It’s not called “living in fear”. It’s called having a brain. Having Instincts. Being concerned about your family, friends & fellow neighbors. Your fellow Homo sapiens. It’s called having a heart.

Picture of things to make you smile.

Jalapeño

Brisket tater tot hash w/ beans and the works. Such a good experiment.

Teriyaki chicken fried rice done on the grill again.

Skillet king ranch chicken. This is about as easy as it get. Rotel, cream of chicken. Nothing to it.

Bekah made dinner. Stacked chicken cheese enchiladas. I said keep stacking. I think we reached 6. MY GOD this was a good meal. The egg. Why doesn’t she cook more often. I was in heaven. I thought I had a baby in my belly I was so full. Happy camper.