The Crone

I use to work with a crabby old hag. Let’s call her “Morticia”. Intolerable in most cases. Remarkable in her ability to complain. That is all she did, 8 hours out of the day. Probably all waking hours. As soon as someone was out of earshot, she would all too eagerly have something bad to say about them. And talk badly about people was certainly her “thing”. I don’t know how many times I had to tell her to “dial it back” because she was talking about a friend of mine. Seriously, if you had a single dealing with her in person or over the phone, she was going to bad mouth you about something. Everyone on campus was “eaten up with the dumbass”. I never understood how one person could be so miserable. Bekah loved it when I came home with a new Morticia story.

Oh how many times I would come back from lunch to find sneaker prints on my desk. Morticia thought she was clever. When we left for lunch she would climb onto my desk and set the clock forward. Old lady going to break a hip doing that! For reason beyond my imagination, it drove her batty that we would leave for lunch ten till twelve. I suppose the crone believed that by doing so she would trick us into actually leaving for lunch right at noon. Like none of us have phones or the time right in front of us on a computer screen. She could have at least covered her tracks and wiped my desk clean. Laughable!!!!

When my boss was on leave recovering from surgery, Morticia believed she was in charge. Old lady on a power trip. She was on everyone’s back like some mean grandmother. You need to do this! You need to do that! I just wanted to scream: “No. No I don’t. I will continue to do what I am doing because that is how the job rolls. You don’t know my job. Don’t pretend like you suddenly know my job. You just go back into your office and get behind your desk with your book and hush because you ARE DRIVING ME CRAZY!!!!” Suddenly someone wants to micromanage me? I think not! ! I jokingly said that I was going to take the rest of the day off. No one else was at work that day. SHE THREW A FIT!!! I just laughed in her face. Seeing an old woman have a temper tantrum like a toddler that doesn’t get the cookie is a funny thing to behold. Funny, but also kind of sad. She “tattled” on us when my boss returned. About what? Who cares? My boss didn’t care. And I sure did love telling my boss how hilarious and aggravating Morticia was when he wasn’t there. How she was sneaking around in order to eavesdrop on conversation. I even found her hiding behind a shelf one day. We had a good laugh out of it. Funny that she was always 30 min late in the mornings, after lunch, and leaving the job when he was gone. That was all A-OKAY.

A humorous thing: she didn’t seem to think anyone was ever doing their jobs. That was one of her biggest complaints. “Well, if they were doing their jobs this wouldn’t happen.” How many times did I hear her say this, you ask? Countless. If I had a dollar… the saying goes. And this wasn’t just a complaint in our office. It was people in purchasing. Accounts payable. Facilities. THE PRESIDENTS OFFICE!!! According to her, basically no one on campus was doing a f***ing thing. The irony is that she was in her office reading, watching Netflix, gossiping & complaining on the phone and REALLY working hard. Yet… no one else works around here? What a joke!!

And she must have been the neighbor from hell. Talk about a busybody. When she got new neighbors she invented theories on what they must do to be able to afford the mortgage. He delivered pizza and she was a nurse. No way could they afford the house, so he must be dealing drugs on the side. Or maybe he was in witness protection? I can’t make this s*** up. The poor neighbor’s happened to have dogs that occasionally barked. Every time they did she would call the police. She would also spray them with a watering hose. I have a friend that temporarily shared close proximity with Morticia. She would hear the same complaints about the dogs all day because Morticia would call everyone she knew and have a repeat conversation. It was borderline obsessive how she complained about those dogs. When they finally moved, no question because of the harassment, I had to wonder how Morticia filled the void in her life left by the missing dog. I’m sure it didn’t take her long to find something else to complain about.

Speaking of that friend. She had the cutest little girl that she would bring to the office with her occasionally. While this little girl brought a great joy to the rest of us in the office, it did nothing but infuriate Morticia. She would complain, complain, complain, and complain. She eventually took it up with Human Resources. She was, I quote “Looking out for the best interest of the university”. Her worry was that something might happen to the little girl on campus property and if something did happen, who’s to say that the parents would not sue the university for damages done. Clever. Nothing gets to HR like a possible lawsuit.

For the 7 years in which I worked with her she had nothing but hateful things to say about the university. No one ever gave her any appreciation so she would be damned if anyone threw a retirement party for her. Absolutely adamant that that would not happen. So guess what? We aimed to grant her wishes. Just have a little thing for her with our group. Goodness me, that is what you said for how many years. It’s got to be true that you don’t want a party!!! Well guess what? HELL NO! She wanted a dang party! She cried to her daughter about no one throwing her a retirement party. All that she did for this place over the years. Boohoo!!! Waaaaaaaaaaah!! Daughter being who she is decided to take action into her own hand. Likely under the influence, she sent an e-mail to the president. Oh the outrage! You guys are not throwing a retirement party for my mother who has worked for you over 30 years. She never gets any appreciation for how hard she has worked for you! Yep. That worked! Phone calls later she was getting that retirement party. And it made all of us look like real jerks. It just so happened that I was on PTO and didn’t get to the party. I heard it was a real blast.

All in all, Morticia was actually a rather entertaining person to work with. There was never a dull moment in the office. We only ever had problems a few times. Although she didn’t have much kind things to say about people on campus, it was funny witnessing someone so bent out of shape over every little thing. She would lose her s*** over the most mundane things. The problem came down to this: Morticia was institutionalized. She had been here for far too long. I suppose for some, longevity produces negativity. Instead of seeing the positive of being in the same place for so long, she only saw the slights that she apparently received. This entry is harsh, but it’s also very honest. To accurately describe Morticia, honesty is key. She is a character that I will not forget. Her defining traits might sound crabby. My description of her might make her sound like a b****. But she still had heart. Break through all that hard tempered exterior and you find someone not tainted by whatever in life transformed her into such a Negative Nelly. That person hidden within I called friend.

Red Jalapeño!!!!!

Bunless BBQ burger. Pretty much wanted to try and fix the wrong I did with the BBQ meatballs form last week. This turned out much better.

Grilled some chicken with red jalapeño, green bell peppers & onion. Threw some sharp cheddar over them while still on the grill. I used the salsa I made with the red jalapenos. Good meal

Lemony asparagus chicken stir-fry. Yum!!!

Seared Ahi tuna salad. Kind of looks gross, doesn’t it?

Lazy nachos. Had plans, got lazy.

Pizza!!! The red jalapeño really tied this one altogether. I usually only make my pizza when Bekah is gone. Not sure why. I suppose I’m the pizza addict in the house. Well, she thought it was a real treat and I think my Slavic friend is going to press me to make her one for her birthday next month.