Nothing to write about.
Jalapeño
Skillet king ranch chicken.
Sesame chicken w/ broccoli.
Enchilada chicken with over easy eggs. This was possible the first time that over made this. It was always one of Bekah’s go-to meals. Simple and delightful. I bet it’s been 6 months since I’ve had this. Kind of sad.
Chicken & broccoli w/ Alfredo sauce. Spicy sauce.
Bekah Burger w/o Bekah.
Sunday was kind of rough. It was the day my father died 4 years ago and the day Bekah & I started dating 13 years ago. Both are gone. 13 years of dedication and for what? Oh well, it was a good run and I had fun. Cherished memories tainted by the present.
My mother and I went for lunch and drinks. Afterwards she came over to the house for a little while. The dogs were happy to see her. We talked about life.
Monday I took off. I have thought about taking ever Monday for the rest of the year. I have the time. The holiday break is right around the corner.
It’s finals week. Hard to believe the semester is at a close. What has the time gone? I feel like we just started the fall. Hell, the last 6 months are a blur for me.
Ghost town. That’s what the campus becomes after finals. Friday that’s what it was. I did very little. Jamie got me out of the office to resupply the museum with hand sanitizer. My the Dean, the curator & a nice guy named Eddie were also around. I made a joke a Jamie’s expense that got a good laugh from everyone but her. She gave me “the look” that is basically her throwing knives at me. Good time.
I got my papers, finally. They still are not 100% accurate. Frustration. Frustration because Bekah didn’t give me the waiver months ago like she was supposed to, apparently. Not entirely shocking at this point. Ah, life. I should have listened to my friends a filed myself months ago.
The night ended with me watching my girlfriend, Charlize Theron, in “The Legend of Bagger Vance”. What a movie. What a woman. Happy Friday.
Tire trouble 8 months later. Reference my “Our Hands Silhouette’s Against the Sky” blog. The rock pictured below. Seem like a life time. Life was much less complicated.
Jalapeño
Egg bacon jalapeño breakfast burrito.
Charcuterie board.
Hoisin steak w/ sriracha asparagus.
Monday lunch. Seared tuna.
Chicken chili.
Tuesday lunch. Chili’s chicken fajitas.
Veggie ground beef garlic stir fry.
Italian chicken, heart of palm, tomato & basil. Had this last week.
Taco salad.
Bunless burger.
[FUCK MY GRAMMAR]
Took down the fall and put up the Christmas. Must say it was kind of a hard day. I prefer my fall decal and most the Christmas was shared between my soon to be ex wife. Wasn’t fun. Oh well. The papers are in the work. One technicality away. Easy fix. This week I proposed 9 years ago. Happy moment and anxiety ridden. I knew she was who I wanted to be my wife and who I died with. I loved this woman. I never knew I would be married. It was a hard thing to do. I was afraid of commitment at the time. But I knew I had found the one. She made me happy in ways I’d never been before. I felt lucky to find her. I remember falling in love. It was over conversation while she was the only one bartending and we became best friends. I came to her to talk and we found a bond. At the time I had been with her friend but we clicked and that bond was welded. We had our ups and downs trying to work with how serious we were. She got a house, I didn’t move in. We eventually found a house. We lived in for 6 great years. Found a cat, Samson. Adopted a child, Hazel. Found another, Owen. Travels together. Air and road. Figured each other out. One should always live together before marriage. We had a grand time. The best times of my life. I’d touch her skin and obtain goosebumps. She is still my one. I love her. She changed me. Made me a better person.
We fell apart. We broke. Shattered glass. Pain. Life is pain. But if you love each other, compromise with each other. No ultimatum. That’s not fair to anyone. I sit and feel like trust wasn’t distributed. I assume we all have our ups and downs. I never lost a feeling or attraction to her. Loved most (who loves all) moments with her. We had great times together. Always a fun time. She was my moon. My stars.
Catharsis. I’ve weeped. No denial. This person is a part of me after 13 years. I’m not sure how to go forward at 40. What to even do. I don’t want to do anything. I was happy as any married couple ever is. Not all the time. But who is? Life is a bitch, they say. I tend to agree. 2020 was the warm up for 2021. This year has drained 4-5 years from me. My health has gone to shit in 5 months. I now need to pull myself together. We all have the strength. Find it.
I miss Bekah. She was my one and only. A soul I always wanted to meet. Did I let her fly or did she fly off on her own? Bookend of a chapter in my life I never wanted closed.
We had our campus Christmas tree lighting. Big deal. I believe at least 2 thousand people attended. It was a little different this year. As I was walking up I got caught by the curator. Lights were not on the front of the museum. I couldn’t just walk away. So I missed the actual tree lighting looking in a mechanical closet how to get the lights going. It made for an entertaining time. I did go inside the museum and talk to my neighbor for a bit. It was a damn zoo. I never made it to the damn tree. Oh well. A little surprise is kind of fun. Plus I had 2 beers before I walked to campus so I was loose for adventure. Went home and watch The Live.
So my friends Jamie & Yvette made me a fucking appointment with a diabetic dietician. They mentioned it and I figured I’d get a call for a time to see. I laughed it off. No. They scheduled me a time. I was pissed. Okay. For one. I don’t think after 11 years I can be told something I don’t know. I read 3 books when I was diagnosed. Have learned my body for the most part. I have my off days. Two, I felt I was going to waste someone’s time. I have been off the wagon. Eating like hell over the last few months. I’ve not treated myself well. I know how to live this life. I just wasn’t. I don’t need to talk to anyone.
So I went to the appointment. I was told to sit because the lady wasn’t around. I sat. I waited. I waited. Eventually got up to ask. Lady asked me if I had made n appointment. Well, I hadn’t. Friends had. She contacted someone else. They eventually came out and said the appointment was actually for the morning. Someone fucked up. Either my friends of the hospital. Who cares. It was rather comical. I wondered at one point if they just made it up to send me there to make my own appointment. Ah, friends.
Friday was a no burrito day. I think we are done. Good for me. I don’t need anymore. The day was long. Nothing happened. I took off early. Went to my mothers. On the way back I talked to Yvette and ended up meeting her at a family party at a tattoo parlor. Local brewery supplies BBQ & booze. It was a spontaneous venture. Food was great and so was the beer. Best Friday that I’ve had in a while. I referred to myself as “her annoying friend from work”. Bless your friends.
Cheers!!
Jalapeño
French toast sandwich on French toast day. That hurt me.
Seared tuna.
Queso burger.
Some kind of meal on the grill. Asian. Hot. Problems.
Okay. I just threw this together. Grilled chicken, hearts of palm, tomato, basil & Italian dressing. It’s so good.
What a week. Big cook out at work. Helped at the museum. A five day weekend. Got drunk as f*** with my brother. Thanksgiving was fun. That’s it.
Jalapeño
Crab cakes & asparagus.
Grilled sweet & sour chicken.
Huevos rancheros.
Thanksgiving.
Whataburger.
We had a nice full moon eclipse Friday morning. I set my alarm to see it. Since I’m waking up about that time anyway I probably didn’t need the alarm. I didn’t get the telescope out but I did use my rifle scope. It was beautiful. I want that picture on my wall.
International Men’s Day and I never even received a thank you from Jamie or Yvette for all the good I contribute to their lives. So rude. All the cart rides. All the bending over backwards to simplify life. All the kindness. Not even recognized. An utter lack of appreciation. Some people.
Speaking of cart rides, I sure played taxi driver this week. I’m sure some coworkers wonder why I have multiple women with me at different times of the day. It’s mainly a means of upping the productivity of the university. I mean, otherwise they would be walking and away from the desk for a longer time. Plus, I have a cart. Why not offer up a ride. It means we get to BS outside the office.
On a more personal note & perhaps morose, I’ve always thought honesty was key. I’ve always been brutally honest. I guess people don’t like the truth. They don’t like who they are. So when a question is asked I respond in fold. You will always be hesitant to make choices when you are alone. You are used to making for two. I’m not happy with myself & decisions I’ve made. Life is solo. We die alone.
Marriage is not easy all the time. Is it ever easy? People don’t generally get along with themselves so how do we expect to get along with another person all the time. To be locked down with them? It takes work. I feel it pays off. Everything good takes work. Sometimes you get complacent at that. Years roll by and your vision is obscured. You don’t seem to see the things you once noticed. Maybe you take something’s for granted. You both do. You feel like you carry the weight. The weight needs to be distributed evenly. It can’t be on ones shoulders. If it’s ever felt that way, disclose. The other better half might not know you don’t know and vice versa. But how much happiness do you get from that person? How much have you had. It’s worth fighting for, right?I mean, you married for a reason. I say all this because it’s important to me. I’ve always dreaded doomed relationships. I hate to see people fall apart. It crushes me. So when I see it it breaks my heart. What a tangent.
Jalapeño
Rice, mushroom, broccoli, chicken Alfredo.
Salisbury steak.
Sesame chicken.
Crustless chicken pot pie.
Teriyaki steak w/ mushrooms & rice.
Sunday was the day Samson was to be relocated. He would find a new home with Bekah. Cats adapt, but I will miss him. Bekah needs him. We decided to go have some lunch. Outback French onion soup and tuna for me. Beers as well. After lunch we went to have drinks and visit with a bartender friend of ours. We got drunk. We also talked. After drinks our dumb asses thought Taco Bell was a good idea. It wasn’t. Mistakes were made. Overall I think it was a good day. It was good to see Bekah and have some fun like we used to. A grain of salt. I do miss the cat trying to kill me in the mornings. I also miss Bekah.
The house is weird without Samson. The little f*** tries to kill me every morning and I’m not used to walking freely. It’s weird. I miss having to be alert. He loved Bekah. Was up her butt. I’m sure he will be fine. I won’t forget finding that little dude. 10 years with the s*** head. He is a fun guy. He will be puuuurfect with Bekah.
Ah, life. The time change hurts. It always does. Everyone is thrown. I wish they would ask the public if we still wanted it. It would be an overwhelming NO!! It is dark so soon after work.
My f***ing garage door decided to be a b****. I didn’t want me to go to work so I listened and didn’t go. Call it a mental health day. Tuna for lunch. I’m going to turn into a tuna. I went out and had a drink. I tied one on. Made a call I wish I hadn’t. It happens, I guess. I regret nonetheless. I’m not a hateful person but my emotions ran wild.
Friday I felt abandoned. All my campus friends were MIA. I felt lost. Displaced. Utterless. It as a lonely day. It was a LONG day. I left an hour early. The beer sure did taste good. I guess the highlight of my day was delivering the BIG D. Dropping the BIG D on a desk was great.
Jalapeño
Seared tuna.
Just a simple brunch. Hash browns with habanero sausage and a sunny side up.
Stuffed salmon and broccoli cheese.
Mushroom Swiss bacon burger.
Chicken legs. Buffalo sauce. Slaw.
Habanero Chicken Alfredo over broccoli. it hurt.
A burger.
Día de los Muertos. My alter is meager but is serves its purpose. What a cool tradition to have. I miss them all so much but they are together in a happier place. I spoke to each of them the night of.
The weather finally dipped. 40’s as a high, overcast & damp. Wednesday AM storm rolled in with a roar. Not the rain I wanted but I still got the gloomy days. It was refreshing.
Bekah & I went to dinner. Dinner was good. Had discussions. She cried. We need to file. It’s been far to long. Breaks my heart but it’s the truth. 4 months. I’ll always love her. 13 years.
I played driver for both Yvette & Jamie this week. Multiple mail runs. It was a bit brisk but also fun. Yvette gets a cart ride just about everyday. Jamie, not so much. She has a rude coworker that’s off work allowing her to fill the mail role. Enjoy the open air.
The week is finally over. Go as a ram.
Oh yeah! I finally had my backyard sprinkler system put in and the zeroscape. It looks good. Now I wait for grass.
Jalapeño
Spicy chicken with onion and jalapeño.
Cincinnati chili!
Seasame chicken.
Habanero burger!!!
A thief was amongst us!!
Saturday was the most productive that I’ve been in a couple months. I stopped living out of a laundry basket. I took care of the acorns in the driveway ( I’m sure I’ll being doing that again…). I went and hit the shopping centers. I have not been doing much at all on weekends but going out to eat and maybe grab a drink mostly I’m just at home. It was nice.
Grabbed some great sushi. I had not been to this place since pre-Covid. It hit the spot. I just sat and contemplated the bulls*** in my life. It was rather introspective.
I decided not to break tradition so I went back to the store and got another pumpkin to carve. It’s a great joy. This isn’t the first year I’ve done it alone. Last year I was alone. It still sucks. It’s fun together. But I had fun. I believe this was my best yet. I had been going fun and goofy the last few years. Had to go scary.
You know this is the first time in 13 years I’ve done this holiday alone? I’m sure the trick or treaters we built will miss us. And the parties at the house with all the kids. It’s a bummer, really. But we move on. I was looking forward. I am keeping tradition.
I got on the phone with Yvette & talked for about 2 hours somehow. That’s forever for me on the phone. Talk about Halloween weekend. How it was always an important day for Bekah & I. We had BS to discuss. I watched The Lords of Salem. It’s a good one. The only Rob Zombie movie that I care for. Witches freak me out. I recommend it. I fell asleep and awoke around 2. Decided to light the pumpkin up and enjoy it with a beer. That lulled me back to sleep.
HALLOWEEN!!!!! The dogs let me sleep in until 10 and I got up and made an early brunch of sausage egg habanero tacos. I had my moms plants to water (eek) and a movie to attended at 12:30. Dune!!
What an epic movie. I was so happy I went to see it in the theatre. It’s only the second movie I’ve seen since 2019 in a theatre. Wow. Jaw dropping. Only bummer was the 30 min preview. The amount of time I was there I could have flown to Florida.
After the movie I rushed home and got dressed. I was Lucifer. Short notice. I’ve been distracted. It worked. There was no way in hell I could bring myself to do Halloween at my house. It was too much a Bekah & I thing. A few good fold from ASU went to Jamie’s. I was the only fool to dress up. Had a little girl come up to me and stand still. She finally pointed and said “you are the villain!” Hahaha. It was fun. I needed my friends. I spend to much time alone. There is a limit to being alone.
After the fun it was Sonic cheeseburger & per tradition, Trick ‘r Treat. I must say I missed Bekah tonight. It’s hard to chunk 13 years of fun. I still had fun thanks to friends. And what a great movie. Happy Halloween!!!
It was a good week. My favorite month of the year. Yeah, it’s not the same as usual but I’m making due. The house has been Halloween festive. I have not watched many horror movies out of a distracted mind. I have watched the season 3 of “What We Do In The Shadows”. Great season. Good horror comedy and needed entertainment.
Thursday was the best day I’ve had in a while. Found out my sprinklers were finally getting installed. I’ve been on the waiting list since May. It was a beautiful fall day and I just sucked it all in. The campus is starting to look festive. Jamie & I went on a little adventure. She needed assistance in delivering a package and the golf cart is the perfect vessel. Afterwards it was the mail room because her coworker seems to have checked out. Next it was finding card stock from Lisa to replace hers that was needed for Halloween. Finally it was off to some fun to explore a abandoned part of the campus we never knew existed. It was also full of junk. She walks away with a prize. Ballet girl. After work I had a drink with a friend. The night was nice. Too nice. How will Friday be?🤔
The week capped off with another beautiful day. I had fun at work. Had my burrito. I laughed a lot. Good company and cart rides. This time of year the cart is a great feeling. Saw some pretty fun costumes. Went and saw a friend I have missed. My yard is finally in progress. I’m actually looking forward to the weekend. It’s looking to be a good one. My favorite time of year.
Jalapeño
A bologna burger. Gross idea.
Lemon asparagus chick stir fry. A delight.
I don’t know what the hell this was. I was going to make a burger but I’m bored of them. Basically a chopped up burger with grilled squash, peppers and onion cheese and green enchilada sauce.
The same as above but with chicken.
Breakfast for dinner. Sausage habanero jalapeño cheese omelet with some hash browns.
I watch a man die. Life has no meaning. Mine doesn’t. What is the meaning of my life? Do tell? Sun in an empty room. Watch a shadow cross the floor. Parallelograms of light. I awake at about 2AM every night. Deflate me.
Monday was my 7 year wedding anniversary. I also found out the night before that a very close friend from 15-16 year passed away. It was a bitch dragging my fucking ass into work. I did it. What else would I do. Also, I didn’t want to receive grief from Jamie because I would have missed another staff senate meeting. Might I add that that was utter hog wash. I’ve been assured they are not all so dramatic and long winded. I pray not. Either way, it’s a nice change of pace for me which I need right now. I think my mind was also just not feeling it. Lots of thoughts.
My mother and I had dinner and a good time. We ordered out. Italian. She also made me a special cheese cake. Comfort foot for the day. 7 fucking years. I wouldn’t trade a day. The wedding weekend was pretty amazing. I wish my wife had partaken more in the festivities. She really missed out. My mother and I reminisced. I’m glade she came over. The food was also pretty amazing. It had been a while since I’ve had dinner with another person.
I had no intention of going into work Tuesday. I needed to attend to matters and my mental health was in jeopardy. I took the day and I had one. I went to lunch. I went to my moms. I went to a couple bars. I did me. I needed it. Fuck it.
Wednesday was just a day. The rest of the week. I notice people don’t like to touch anymore. They both utter apologize when they do.
I went to work for 2 hours Thursday & a my friends funeral with my soon to be ex wife. It was a good service. We both agreed. Sad as hell. Great guy passed. After we went for lunch and I talked a lot. I’m not sure she liked it. I took the rest of the day off. And I repeat friday. My poor brother has Covid & the flu. What does death feel like?
Another day another funeral. We had to duck out early on this one, sadly. I had my blood sugar plummet and I almost fainted when I stood up. The girl will understand. She saw me. We embraced. Poor Caryn. Found out my mother-in-law has had another seizure. She is in the hospital. Bless her big heart. It’s been a fucking week. I only worked 23 hours. Good riddance.
Jalapeño
Egg bacon sandwich.
Basic burger.
Date night with my mother. Lasagna.
Salmon & broccoli cheese.
Meaty elbow pasta.
I made a fucking burger again.
En Fuego 