Marriage: Reflections By a Man Broken By the Wind

[FUCK MY GRAMMAR]

Took down the fall and put up the Christmas. Must say it was kind of a hard day. I prefer my fall decal and most the Christmas was shared between my soon to be ex wife. Wasn’t fun. Oh well. The papers are in the work. One technicality away. Easy fix. This week I proposed 9 years ago. Happy moment and anxiety ridden. I knew she was who I wanted to be my wife and who I died with. I loved this woman. I never knew I would be married. It was a hard thing to do. I was afraid of commitment at the time. But I knew I had found the one. She made me happy in ways I’d never been before. I felt lucky to find her. I remember falling in love. It was over conversation while she was the only one bartending and we became best friends. I came to her to talk and we found a bond. At the time I had been with her friend but we clicked and that bond was welded. We had our ups and downs trying to work with how serious we were. She got a house, I didn’t move in. We eventually found a house. We lived in for 6 great years. Found a cat, Samson. Adopted a child, Hazel. Found another, Owen. Travels together. Air and road. Figured each other out. One should always live together before marriage. We had a grand time. The best times of my life. I’d touch her skin and obtain goosebumps. She is still my one. I love her. She changed me. Made me a better person.

We fell apart. We broke. Shattered glass. Pain. Life is pain. But if you love each other, compromise with each other. No ultimatum. That’s not fair to anyone. I sit and feel like trust wasn’t distributed. I assume we all have our ups and downs. I never lost a feeling or attraction to her. Loved most (who loves all) moments with her. We had great times together. Always a fun time. She was my moon. My stars.

Catharsis. I’ve weeped. No denial. This person is a part of me after 13 years. I’m not sure how to go forward at 40. What to even do. I don’t want to do anything. I was happy as any married couple ever is. Not all the time. But who is? Life is a bitch, they say. I tend to agree. 2020 was the warm up for 2021. This year has drained 4-5 years from me. My health has gone to shit in 5 months. I now need to pull myself together. We all have the strength. Find it.

I miss Bekah. She was my one and only. A soul I always wanted to meet. Did I let her fly or did she fly off on her own? Bookend of a chapter in my life I never wanted closed.

We had our campus Christmas tree lighting. Big deal. I believe at least 2 thousand people attended. It was a little different this year. As I was walking up I got caught by the curator. Lights were not on the front of the museum. I couldn’t just walk away. So I missed the actual tree lighting looking in a mechanical closet how to get the lights going. It made for an entertaining time. I did go inside the museum and talk to my neighbor for a bit. It was a damn zoo. I never made it to the damn tree. Oh well. A little surprise is kind of fun. Plus I had 2 beers before I walked to campus so I was loose for adventure. Went home and watch The Live.

So my friends Jamie & Yvette made me a fucking appointment with a diabetic dietician. They mentioned it and I figured I’d get a call for a time to see. I laughed it off. No. They scheduled me a time. I was pissed. Okay. For one. I don’t think after 11 years I can be told something I don’t know. I read 3 books when I was diagnosed. Have learned my body for the most part. I have my off days. Two, I felt I was going to waste someone’s time. I have been off the wagon. Eating like hell over the last few months. I’ve not treated myself well. I know how to live this life. I just wasn’t. I don’t need to talk to anyone.

So I went to the appointment. I was told to sit because the lady wasn’t around. I sat. I waited. I waited. Eventually got up to ask. Lady asked me if I had made n appointment. Well, I hadn’t. Friends had. She contacted someone else. They eventually came out and said the appointment was actually for the morning. Someone fucked up. Either my friends of the hospital. Who cares. It was rather comical. I wondered at one point if they just made it up to send me there to make my own appointment. Ah, friends.

Friday was a no burrito day. I think we are done. Good for me. I don’t need anymore. The day was long. Nothing happened. I took off early. Went to my mothers. On the way back I talked to Yvette and ended up meeting her at a family party at a tattoo parlor. Local brewery supplies BBQ & booze. It was a spontaneous venture. Food was great and so was the beer. Best Friday that I’ve had in a while. I referred to myself as “her annoying friend from work”. Bless your friends.

Cheers!!

Jalapeño

French toast sandwich on French toast day. That hurt me.