As Life Gets Longer, Awful Feels Softer… (I Baked A Cake)

Monday was a Monday. Made worse by the fact I had to see the eye doctor. I’ve been putting it off for a couple years & my PCP had finally had enough of me saying I would get right on that. Guess what, 6 months later I still hadn’t gotten on that. It would be 4 months before my eye doctor could see me, but at least I finally was on the books. The reason I prolonged seeing them is because they dilate my eyes. For some that is 1-2 hours of inconvenience. For me it’s 6-12 hours. That’s a fun way to spend the day, let me tell you. So I went to get my eyes checked. I wait in the waiting room for 30 min. They check my eyes. Shocker, my vision has declined. This I knew. I was squinting often. Time for some new lens. Time for the dreaded drops. Dilate me please. Lucky me. Another 30min wait for that to kick in. Oh the joys. In a dark room my doctors says: “All is fine. No diabetic retinopathy. Maybe think about LASIK. See you next year.” Sure thing, buddy. I can’t wait to do this over again. They supply me with some shades and send me on my way. Next time I promise I will have someone drive me but I’m stubborn and hate taking up other people’s time. If you’ve never had your eyes dilated it’s kind of hard to explain. Every light had been cranked up to 10, blind and painful. Vision goes from blurry to fine and back again. I look like I’m on serious drugs. I get bad headaches. So I sat in the dark waiting for my eyes to get right. I eventually pour a drink hoping it will remedy my headache. Monday, Monday… oh how I love thee.

Bekah’s birthday week! She is not feeling it this year. “Birthdays use to mean something to me”, she said. I say: “Once you reach a certain age it’s just another day.” That’s not entirely true. I still treat myself very well on my birthday, usually far away from work. So what is different for here this year? Is the age 35 the age where she finally feels defeated by time? Is her mortality catching up with her? Is it because it falls on a Wednesday? Not much fun can be had in the middle of the week? Could it be all the slumber parties that she has been having that she is all partied out? Or is it that she caught the cold that I had the week before? Who knows? Her birthday just so happens to be “Inconvenience Yourself Day”. I wonder if she know this? I wonder if her mother knows this.

To show her just how special she is to me I decided to do something I have never in my life attempted. I decided to bake a cake. It might sound ludicrous that I have never made a cake. Not even cupcakes. But it is true. Outside my comfort zone I was. Would it be an epic failure? A disastrous blunder. Rubbish? Filth? The terror was next level. The anxiety through the roof. What if I was a failure? I mean, could I be that guy that can’t bake boxed cake? Kind of like the guy that can’t boil noodles to save his life. Or the guy that consistently overcooks any and all meats? A title like that would shame me for the rest of my existence. How brazen of me to even attempt something of this magnitude so late in life. Fool heartedly, I make the decision to go forward with my plan, the outcome be damned. The things you do for love.

So the day before her birthday I set out to make the cake during my lunch break. Frantically moving through the kitchen, I gather my arsenal and start the oven to 350. Time is of the essence, and this mother***er better preheat. Cracking the eggs was never such a disaster. I got shell in the mix!! Was I already doomed before I had even began? Say it isn’t so! Please god, give me a chance to prove my worth! Carefully removing the egg shell and very aware that the clock is ticking, I manage to overcome my first blow and move on to the next phase: mixing. Oh lord, where is the bloody mixer!!! Clearly I planned this poorly. I give up my search and settle on a miniature egg beater. It will have to do. After a ferocious beating the mix finally surrendered and resembled the cake batter I recall my mother making thought the years of my youth. Feeling a bit triumphant, I begin to think I’ve got this. But then I realize in my frenzy to get the batter together I never actually hit the start button on the unholy oven. This blasphemous beast still has to preheat!!! All my earlier fears resurface and I utter some explicit words to myself. My dogs look on with what can only be described as amusement. I pace and pace. It seems to be taking a lifetime to preheat. I curse myself and the oven. If I am lucky, I can get this done before I have to go back to work but it’s going to be so close. Finally I hear the alert that I’s reached 350. I was jubilant. Maybe this was my break. The batter was in the oven and now all I had to do was pray that the cook time was accurate for my oven. I wait. I wait. I need to be at work in 10 min. I wait. 10-9-8-7-6-5-4-3-2-1!!!! Now the true test. Will the toothpick come away clean. I was a nervous wreck. The moment of truth. And it came out clean!! I successfully baked my first cake!!! All my fears were for nothing! Now let’s just hope it is edible.

Red velvet cake. Isn’t that just a fancy chocolate cake? I mean seriously? Aside from the food coloring, what the world is the difference? It’s just a pretty chocolate cake with cream cheese icing, right? I’m not even going to pretend that I have any sort of knowledge when it comes to cakes, but it seems if you wanted chocolate you would just get a chocolate cake. It’s unnerving to me how red it is. Blatantly unnatural. Something that would appeal to a vampire. Blood red. I mean, this s*** stains. Is it dyed red to make it a “sexy” looking cake? “Sexy” chocolate cake… I guess we tend to eat with our eyes first and our mouths second. If the same cake was “pea soup” green would it be just as appetizing? Would it evoke the same amount of desire? I tend to think not.

I managed to disguise the fact that I had baked a cake in our house that evening by cooking ground beef with onions, garlic and cumin. I didn’t want the surprise to be ruined with baking smells. Cake was stored away in my closet for the morning. While she was working out I made my set up in the kitchen. When I hear the garage open I lit the sparklers and in she came. It was quit the surprise. She was in disbelief that I baked a cake. Bekah: “Who baked this for you?” “Wait, you don’t bake?” “How?” “When?” It was a hit. Of course, she can’t really eat it so it’s off to the office for her coworkers to enjoy. What do I care what happens to it afterwards. They seemed to have enjoyed it because it was all consumed by noon. I’m just glad my mission was a success. Happy Birthday, Bekah!

Thursday morning was humorous. Someone across campus needed a box. One of my dear friends. Quite the character, this woman. Miss Needy is what I’m now calling her. So Needy needs something shipped out. “We can pick it up.” “NO!!! Please bring me a box.” Turns out she needs a really BIG f***ing box. 36x52x28, that’s a big box. You could fit my entire office staff in that box. You could ship us to China! (Not that I want to be in China right now… but you get the point.) What is Needy shipping out that she needs that big a box, we wonder. I’m thinking that a box that big won’t fit in the building. The doors are not wide enough. I mention my concern, but my boss is in the zone and already constructing this big box… “No, it will fit.” Okay. Sure. Build your box. Box is built, dimensions even bigger than needed. Leroy wasn’t about to bring that box. He said it was “bulls***.” So boss & another guy took it. Boredom is a thing. You find ways to escape the office. In less than 10 min later they returned with the box. Guess what, it didn’t fit. I got a good laugh. “Told you so!” Curious what needed such a big box he asked Needy. Well it turns out it was personal, not work related. That was why Needy didn’t want us to pick up. Needy is sneaky. She didn’t want us to know that she needed to ship off a kids riding toy for repair. To be exact, a Mercedes. Got to give her credit, it would have worked on a smaller item. Later that afternoon the Mercedes was dropped off. Oh, did I mention Needy also needed 30 boxes of facial tissue? 🙄

The weekend was just a weekend. I was alone again on Friday while Bekah stayed at her sisters again. Once again, I made spicy orange chicken. I also watched a new H.P. Lovecraft adaptation called “Color out of Space”. The short story it was based on was always a favorite of mine. Ummmm, the movie was dark. I was surprised how far they took the source material. Visually remarkable. Richard Stanley has not directed a film since the 90’s. He jumped back in with both feet & some. I’ve heard he is in the talks to direct some more Lovecraft stories and after seeing this I can only hope. Lovecraft is lacking in cinema. I basically did the exact same thing I did a few weeks back. Had drinks, screwed around on my phone & listened to music. Nothing to write home about.

Saturday Bekah had birthday lunch with friends and I was invited to accompany. It was a 4 hour lunch. It was an expensive tab. Someone was annoying. Best taken in small doses. Not stuck at a table with for hours. I did my best and made a good time out of it. I laughed. Birthday shots a plenty. I kind of felt sorry for her. It was an onslaught. When it was time to go, it was clearly time to go. Someone had had tooooo much. The night concluded with another slumber party. Someone told me this was to happen and I didn’t believe it. Birthday parties. It was fun. I think I’m now officially partied out. I’m waving my white flag. I’m done. I call it quits. Hasta la proxima ves.

Jalaps… seemingly absent from most meals.

Teriyaki salmon. I use to make this all the time before meeting Bekah. When we first met she did not care for fish. Never had it properly cooked I suppose. In the subsequent years I guess I just never made teriyaki salmon again. It wasn’t until someone else recently made this that it even crossed my radar. It turned out really tasty and Bekah liked it enough to want to have again.

I needed to mask the kitchen of all baking smells and what better way to do it than make some Mexican beef & squash. The smells of garlic, cumin, chilies & onions overwhelming the kitchen. Just throw what’s in the kitchen together. The squash was cooked al dente and couldn’t have been better.

The birthday meal, stuffed chicken. This isn’t the easiest one to make and it’s sort of messy. I have to butterfly the breast & then beat it thin with a mallet in order to wrap it around asparagus, ham, and spinach & Gouda cheese. Then I have to bread it with panko crumbs. THAN I have to make a sauce. It’s such a great meal though and I’m happy to make it once a year.

Avocado chicken salad. This is a recipe that came from Jamie. Her husband thinks it’s a hit and I’m looking for new dinner ideas that are healthy so no brainer I try this. I marinated the chicken with chipotle and beer at lunch. Little McCormick gill mate packet. Red onion, corn, cilantro. I added some mixed greens and jalapeño. Grilled the chicken. She just used lemon juice & olive oil. I thought I’d make a quick lemon vinaigrette to lightly toss the mixed greens in. The meal was a success. I can see this being a regular on the menu during the hot summer months.